The Tarantula House

The Tarantula House

Tarantulas in Colorado go on a deadly quest for love and sex. But if you’re brave, and ready to get down and dirty, I hear you.

What I’m Talking About

Tarantulas in Colorado have the most dangerous sexual tastes of any species on the planet. Their preferences include humans, cows, horses, raccoons and, believe it or not, even the occasional mule deer or raccoon. Their fetishes include sexual positions associated with women (e.g., “legs up her back” or “butt in the air”), but also ones associated with men (e.g., “head between his legs” or “crotch on his lap”).

This sounds like my kind of dangerous fantasy, but when I went to Colorado a month ago for my cousin’s wedding, I knew I was in for it. My cousin is an animal enthusiast. After we visited the National Zoo, he took me to the Wild Animal Park, the world’s largest zoo dedicated to exotic and endangered species.

On the drive over, my cousin made me his favorite part of the visit: the tarantula house (which he calls “the zoo,” and is, in fact, a zoo). He pointed out a little red brick building in the middle of an abandoned gravel lot by the side of the road that housed a tarantula house.

“I saw these red, fat ones this morning,” he said. “They had a whole bunch of legs up the side of their box, and they were like ‘get back here!’”

I thought I’d be impressed. After all, it’s almost impossible to be a spider’s main source of sexual fantasies other than having one’s legs up a woman’s back. As I’d seen in the movie King Kong, it

Leave a Comment